I haven't written in this in so long. I guess writing involves thinking and thinking involves feeling and feeling involves opening up to the torrent of emotion and emptiness inside.

I feel so completely confused about everything. And everyone.

Who knows what I even want in this life anymore?

I guess I'm really disappointed in my and everyone's imperfections. Things are so painful especially when you could wish so hard for something and it would never happen.

I could just lock myself away forever. I want everything to be so different.

I want to feel.

I want to live without fear.

I want to love.

I want to understand.

I want to know.

I need some reason.

I need to be on rewind.

I need someone to be there for me. Someone I can rely on. Someone who has a free shoulder. Someone who won't judge and tell me to "move on".

Someone who gets me.

I need someone who is not here.

WOW!

I have only done 2 entires to LJ this year. YIKES!

It's either an idea of how little time I have, how little time I have on the pc to faff, or how little I have to talk about!

I'm a busy person, I always feel like I am letting someone down, even if it is just myself.

I maybe shud try posting on this sometime. If I ever feel the motivation to talk about things again....can of worms effect maybe and some things are best not delved into!!!!

Will this ever get any easier?

Is it any justice if it did?

I haven't updated this thing in so long I didn't even recognise the posting page. :S I have an essay to do urgently so this seems like a perfect time to update this. :) Distractions, distractions eh!

Life has been kinda wierd lately. I've been busy working both jobs still and studying when I get the chance. Some weeks working 6 days has been tough. Well not hard really but it has played on my mind more than anything. Working 5/6 days, studying when I'm not working, fitting the gym in as well. I just have been getting the overwhelming feeling of losing control of my life. My life is planned out in front of me for the indefinete but probably 2 years. I fuckin hate it. And by planned out I mean I know what shifts I'm working and I know wot holidays I'm taking (as I was told at the museum)I'm so fucked off about being told what to do I'm looking for another museum job, will even consider Edinburgh. But this feeling of just "am i even doing the right thing to be putting up with this?" has eben dragging me down. I haven't been in a bad mood, just negative. It took my closest nearest and dearest to point it out. but even then how do you get out of a negative mood? Well I'm going to try coz I really don't have anything to complain about. I have 2 jobs which may not pay a lot but they pay my horrendous tuition fees and feed me, I am going to finish my uni course coz I started it and I wouldn't have got in if they didnt think I had potential to be in museums(even if it's hard to see), I have a great family, a fucking fantastic amazing boyfriend who cares so much about me and loves me to pieces and vice versa. I do have a swearing problem now thanks to Grant but that can be worked on. heehee. I dunno, I don't have much to complain about but I put the rpessure on myself to do well in life. When I didn't knwo what to doit was horrible, doing a dead end job wondering If I'll ever get out of it. and now I know, apparently, what I want to do and I'm doing it. I get the feeling I should be happier? I guess grievsy wud have a lot to say about it with his ideas. lol. But I am happy, but just part of me is bored/fed up/frustrated? Who knows.

I wasn;t well for a bit so guess that din't help, hence ther eason I'm doing essay now. I cudnt do it when I was ill. Was good being off work even though I was ill! :o I absolutely hated not being at the gym. I realised that Jo + no exercise = irritated at everything/wanthing to kill people. Lol. I need the gym coz I'm just absically FAT and I need to lose another 2 stone roughly. It'll be a long time before I'm at a happy weight but I guess its a life saver coz eating healthier and exercising is giving me more energy. I dont get that horrible hungriness anymore.

I really enjoyed Christmas.I wasnt sure I would be well enough btu I had a great day with the family playing singstar, disney's trivial pursuit and a bottle of wine to keep me merry. I got lots of nice pressies. :) as always. Got an amazing painting of a llama done by Grant. I love it. It has pride of place in my room but i can't wait until I get a frame for it and up on my wall. It was the beeeeeeeeeeeest present ever. He made me a card too. I just love him so much its unreal and it was so thoughtful and caring. I could never return the gesture. it means so much



I did have fun at new year at a house party. was amazing to see my friends. Went to the bc to see grant coz I missed him :( went back to his with everyone but i was tired and went to sleep for an hour or 2 about 5 and woke up cranky and moaned at Grant who shouted at me but he said a lot of things I needed to hear (as above - negative jo) and it was all good. I still had a good night tho.

Had a fantastic night last night tho with the family. Playing pictionary and singstar (again) and buzz! Was good when Grant came down though. Played golden axe double player until half 2. Love that game! Lay in bed all day watching 24 season 3. Can't wait for the new one.

it wa sgreat lying about with Grant, we haven't done that in ages. probably won't in a while either. I'm just doing my essay for uni right now. I wish I had more pressure. But I guess I'm to laid back coz I'll get it done and a late night just means a break from monotony, lol.

I would say so far I've had a fantastic year...thats until I go back to work tomorrow.

Hope everyone had a great hogmanay and has a great year.

xxxxxxxxxxx

I keep thinking Oh my god, is it really friday??? Wow!
DO I really get a day off tomorrow? WOW!
I DO! YEY! I'm so tired I could sleep here right now.
I feel like such an ass doing work for mail we recieved in march, july 2005. "I refer to you recent letter" UHUH! Not recent actally.
I feel like an ass
ANd my name is on it
But I ain't apologising for it. COz seriously if they really wanted an anwer they would have chased it up? Right so they can't really want an answer so why am I doing the work? I don't know. I just got told to. IMO we should file it AND take the time off for the job to me without actually doing it then I can pretend I spent all afternoon doing it while I really done nothing.
I just had a hot chocolate which is my first sugar of the day and feel like ut has gone for me. Feeling all lightheaded.

I am going to write this next sentence without looking ay yje scteen and see what it turns out like! I think it would ne pretty bad.

oooooooh it wasn't actually that bad- it s probably better than my normal typing - eeek! Bad.

I want the phone to go or soemthing. At least it would keep me awake, give me something to do.

Only 2 hours to go, I'm going to drink some water, go and get some water, shuffle some paper, get more water, wander round talking to people yet not actually listening to what they say. :)

I had a nice conversation with Lesley today. I like Lesley.

The IT guy amuses me - he nevers smiles, unelss a blonde bimbo is talking to him. He thinks he's nice looking, all pretty and stuff. but he's not.

I just feel abd for the poor guy named "Roger Mashiter"

I drew all the people sitting their exam on Monday a good luck drawing in paint. and emailed them it. I'll probably get the sack as I'm not allowed to send personal emails just like I'm not allowed on t'internet.

:):):):):)

Time to walk and get water.....

In my head I'm now singing "Transatlanticism" Death cab - amaaazing !

I'm just in work and it's fairly quiet day. This unfortunately means I think alot. And go on t'internet when I'm not allowed. Hartlink (our system) just crashed (again!) so felt the need to write a journal. Been working the last 10 days and studying most nights this week. I'm just so exhausted. It's no wonder my head is buzzing with shit. I'm thinking about things I shouldn't even be thinking about. I'm feeling bad when I don't think I should have a conscience. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I was bad and I deserve to have a conscience but I was too ignorant ans selfish tosee it before now. Sometimes I wish I was Catholic so I could make confession and be absolved of all the things I have done wrong or treated people badly. Or maybe I would feel better about myself sitting in a place as corrupt as the catholic church. What I have done is nothing in the big scheme of things. Maybe what comes around goes around and it went around for me early. I;m not feeling sorry for myself. I just don;t want to think that I owe anyone anything or that I did but I was too selfish to give it.

What it comes down to is they couldn't handle my life, i tried to cover other people also and got stung, Those people can't be worth it anyway. SO why do they still plague my mind. COz i'm too sensitive and caring??? Maybe coz I don;t like what I can;t get.

But I am so glad things are the way they are. I wouldn't want it to be any different right now.

ANyways that over with now. If anyone ahs any way of "getting over it" let me know.

I haven't wrote in this in ages. I started a Masters Course at Leicester in Museum Studies, it's slowly waking ym brain up again after so look being stagnant. It's hard studying around 2 jobs but I am managing fine, i think coz I actually want to do it. ALthough sometimes the people writing articles really annoy me. That's a good thing I guess.

I have been swimming now once/twice a week. Love it. It just relaxes me and is good exercise. My friend Annmarie came home from Australia and I met Lynn's friends Wilma and Sandra from Oz and more and more I want to goa gain. I can't believe I wanted to do it for so long and I haven't - it's unlike me. But I will do it. Will have to be after uni again and after paying major fees will hve to save for a few months. But a year there in the sun, sea and sand is just what I need. Annmarie is going back again. Will be so jealous. It's been amazing to have her in Glasgow. :)

My friend is getting a divorce as her husband has been having an affair for over a year with a girl from his work. Despite her being pregnant and having his child and them already having a 2 year old. Some people really are shits and selfish and don't care about anyone biut themselves. He was crying when he got found out - only becoz he got caught tho. Cheaters are scum and really deserve bad things to happen to them. Who could be so selfish really? Coz that's all it is. thinking about yourself. and being cowardly - not being man or woman enough, or even blooming human enough to admit your not happy and fix/end the relationship your in.

SCUM! You find that cheaters are normally people who feel sorry for themselves. pity themselves. People who really need to get a grip.

And what is it with people who pity themselves. Nothing bugs me more. OMG the world doesn't revolve around you, the whole world isn't against you and your life ain't that bad. Its just annoying. I know a person who has "high cholestorel" and "doesn't like work" and is like "so depressed" Jeeeeeesus fuckinnnnnn christ!!!!!!!!!

I want to hit him repeatedly to give him something to moan, feel depressed about. You dont like it, change it or at least put it into context. You're alive, people suffer so much more in their life. I actually think these people should suffer a lot to appreciate what they have. It makes me mad.

Right it's lunchtime.......going to go and eat.
Ciao

OMG Im raging - ive just got told Im not getting paid til enxt week. im bloody raging. im not gona take this lying down